The Difference Between Love, Care, and Abuse

In conversations about relationships, people often focus on physical violence when discussing abuse. However, not all abuse leaves visible bruises. One of the most damaging forms of abuse is coercive control — a pattern of behaviour used to dominate, isolate, intimidate, and control another person.

Many people, especially young people and those entering relationships for the first time, may struggle to recognise the difference between healthy relationship behaviours and controlling behaviours disguised as “love,” “protection,” or “care.”Education and awareness are essential.

What Is a Healthy Relationship?                                                                                                                                                                                    A healthy relationship is built on mutual respect, trust, communication, safety, honesty, and equality. Both people are free to be themselves without fear of punishment, intimidation, or control. Healthy relationships encourage growth, independence, and emotional safety.

Signs of a Healthy Relationship

• Respecting each other’s boundaries
• Open and honest communication
• Feeling safe emotionally and physically
• Encouraging friendships and family connections
• Trust without excessive jealousy or monitoring
• Supporting each other’s goals and individuality
• Being able to disagree without fear
• Shared decision-making
• Accountability and healthy conflict resolution

Healthy love does not require fear, silence, or control.

What Is Coercive Control?

Coercive control is a pattern of behaviours designed to gain power and control over another person. It can happen in intimate relationships, family relationships, and sometimes even within friendships.

The behaviour may appear subtle at first and can gradually escalate over time.

Coercive control can include:

• Isolation from friends and family
• Monitoring phones, messages, or social media
• Controlling finances
• Excessive jealousy disguised as love
• Constant criticism or humiliation
• Threats, intimidation, or manipulation
• Gaslighting (making someone doubt their reality)
• Dictating what someone wears or where they go
• Using children, immigration status, religion, culture, or finances as tools of control
• Repeatedly making someone feel afraid of upsetting them

Many victims describe feeling like they are “walking on eggshells.”

Healthy Relationship vs Coercive Control

“But They Say They Love Me…”

One of the reasons coercive control is difficult to identify is because abusive behaviours are often normalised or romanticised.

Examples include:

• “I’m only jealous because I love you.”
• “I just worry about you.”
• “You don’t need anyone else except me.”
• “Send me your location so I know you’re safe.”
• “I don’t like your friends because they’re bad for you.”

While concern and care can exist in healthy relationships, control is different. The key question is:                                                                                 Does the behaviour make someone feel safe, respected, and free — or fearful, anxious, and controlled?                                                                         Love should not feel like surveillance, intimidation, or emotional imprisonment.

Why Awareness Matters

Many victims do not recognise coercive control immediately because:

• The behaviour escalates gradually
• Society sometimes normalises controlling behaviour
• Social media can glamorise possessiveness and unhealthy attachment
• Victims may blame themselves
• Trauma bonding can make it difficult to leave
• Fear, shame, finances, culture, faith, immigration status, or children may create additional barriers

Young people are particularly vulnerable when unhealthy relationship behaviours are normalised as “relationship goals.”

This is why education around healthy relationships is so important.

Parents, schools, communities, and professionals all play a role in helping young people understand:

• Consent
• Boundaries
• Emotional safety
• Respectful communication
• Online safety and digital boundaries
• Recognising manipulation and grooming behaviours
• The difference between protection and control

Relationship education should go beyond physical violence and include emotional abuse, coercive control, and unhealthy power dynamics.

Coercive control is not love.
Control is not protection.
Fear is not respect.                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Healthy relationships should allow people to feel valued, heard, safe, and free to be themselves. The more we educate ourselves and others, the better equipped we become to recognise unhealthy patterns early, support victims, and promote safer relationships within our families and communities.

Support and Resources

If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse or coercive control, support is available through local domestic abuse services, safeguarding agencies, and specialist organisations. Seeking support is not weakness, and nobody deserves to live in fear or control.