Are we recognising domestic abuse when it doesn’t sound like domestic abuse?

When we talk about coercive control and domestic abuse, our minds can often go to adult relationships. We may picture a controlling husband, an abusive partner, or an adult experiencing isolation, monitoring and intimidation within a long-term relationship.

But coercive control can also exist in young people’s relationships.

The challenge is that it may not always present itself in the language adults and professionals expect to hear.

A young person may not say:

“My partner is coercively controlling me.”

They may say:

“He’s just really jealous.”

“She’s obsessed with me.”

“He’s toxic.”

“She doesn’t like me talking to other girls.”

“He just worries about me.”

“She always wants to know where I am.”

“He gets angry when I don’t reply.”

“We argue all the time.”

“He’s just difficult.”

The language may sound like relationship drama.

But what happens when we look underneath the words?

When “difficult” becomes controlling

Young people, like adults, may use familiar words to make sense of difficult relationship experiences.

“Jealous.”

“Possessive.”

“Obsessed.”

“Crazy.”

“Toxic.”

“Difficult.”

These words can describe genuine experiences, but they can also unintentionally minimise what is happening.

A young person may describe a partner as “jealous” because they are repeatedly questioned about who they are speaking to.

“She’s just protective” may actually mean that she demands constant access to their phone.

“He just wants to know where I am” may mean that he expects their location to remain switched on and becomes angry when it is not.

“She doesn’t like my friends” may actually mean that the young person has gradually stopped seeing people because of their partner’s reactions.

The question, therefore, is not simply:

“What word has the young person used?”

It is:

“What behaviour sits underneath that word?”

Are we listening to the behaviour or only the language?

This is an important consideration for parents, teachers, safeguarding professionals and anyone working with young people.

A young person may not identify their experience as abuse because they are describing individual incidents rather than recognising the wider pattern.

They may tell an adult:

“He gets annoyed if I don’t answer.”

And the conversation may end there.

But what happens if we ask:

What happens when you don’t answer?

Does he repeatedly call?

Does he send dozens of messages?

Does he demand an explanation?

Does he accuse them of talking to someone else?

Does he threaten to end the relationship?

Does he threaten to share something private?

Does he turn up unexpectedly?

Does the young person feel they have to respond immediately to prevent a reaction?

The individual behaviour matters, but so does the pattern, frequency, impact and consequence.

The 24-hour relationship

Young people’s relationships are increasingly lived across both physical and digital spaces.

And those spaces are not necessarily separate.

A partner does not have to be physically present to exert control.

They may be able to reach a young person through their phone from the moment they wake up until they go to sleep.

They may be able to see when they are online.

They may expect an immediate response.

They may ask:

“Where are you?”

“Who are you with?”

“Send me a picture.”

“Why were you online but didn’t reply to me?”

“Who is that you’re talking to?”

“Why did you like their post?”

“Send me a photo so I know where you are.”

For some young people, the phone becomes an extension of the relationship — and potentially an extension of the control.

When the partner is in the bedroom without physically being there

Think about the privacy of a young person’s bedroom.

Traditionally, an adult might imagine this as a private space: the young person closes their bedroom door and is physically away from everyone else.

But their phone may still be in their hand.

Their partner can be present through messages, calls, video calls, social media and other digital platforms.

They may be monitoring when the young person is online.

They may demand photographs.

They may repeatedly message until they receive a response.

They may expect to know where the young person is.

They may pressure them to send intimate photographs.

They may threaten to share intimate images if the young person refuses to comply or attempts to end the relationship.

The partner does not need to be sitting in that bedroom for the relationship — or the control — to continue.

This is why understanding young people’s online world alongside their offline world is so important.

Online and offline are not two separate relationships

For young people, the digital world is part of their social world.

Their friendships happen online.

Their education may involve online spaces.

Their social lives continue through messaging and social media.

Their relationships can begin, develop and sometimes become abusive through these same spaces.

Therefore, asking only about what happens when the couple are physically together may leave significant parts of the relationship unexplored.

A young person might say:

“He’s actually lovely when we’re together.”

But what happens when they are apart?

What happens through their phone?

What happens when they are online?

What happens when they don’t respond?

What happens when they speak to somebody their partner doesn’t approve of?

What happens when they want to end the relationship?

These questions can provide a very different picture.

“He just wants to know where I am.”

Location sharing is a useful example of why context matters.

Two young people may willingly share their locations because they find it convenient or reassuring.

That, by itself, does not make a relationship abusive.

But what happens when location sharing becomes an expectation?

What happens when switching it off causes an argument?

What happens when a young person has to explain every movement?

What happens when their partner uses their location to question them, accuse them or monitor who they are with?

The technology itself is not necessarily the problem.

It is how the technology is being used within the relationship.

“She just wants pictures.”

Again, context matters.

Partners may naturally exchange photographs.

But there is a significant difference between consensual sharing and pressure, coercion or threats.

A young person may feel they have to send photographs to prove where they are, who they are with or what they are doing.

They may be repeatedly asked for photographs.

They may be pressured to send intimate images.

They may fear what will happen if they refuse.

And once an intimate image has been shared, the threat of distribution can become another mechanism of control.

The language may be:

“If you really loved me, you would send it.”

Or:

“Don’t make me angry.”

Or:

“I’ll send it to everyone if you leave me.”

What might initially be described as “relationship drama” can therefore contain intimidation, coercion and exploitation.

When “toxic” becomes the end of the conversation

“Toxic” is now a common word among young people when describing unhealthy relationships.

It can be useful language.

But it can also become a label that stops us asking further questions.

If a young person says:

“My boyfriend is toxic.”

we should not simply respond:

“Then leave him.”

We should be curious.

What does he do?

What happens when you disagree?

What happens when you say no?

What happens when you spend time with your friends?

What happens when you don’t answer immediately?

What happens if you try to end the relationship?

The word “toxic” tells us that something may not feel right.

Our role is to understand what is underneath it.

What parents and professionals may miss

There can be a tendency to dismiss young people’s relationship experiences as:

• teenage drama
• first love
• jealousy
• immaturity
• arguments
• friendship issues
• “they’re teenagers”
• “they’ll get over it”

Sometimes it may genuinely be ordinary relationship conflict.

But sometimes those same descriptions can mask a pattern of coercive and controlling behaviour.

The challenge is not to assume that every difficult relationship is abusive.

The challenge is to remain curious enough to recognise when it might be.

That means looking beyond appearance, labels and isolated incidents.

We need to understand young people’s language

Young people may communicate risk differently from adults.

They may use humour.

They may minimise.

They may normalise.

They may describe something serious in a casual way.

They may laugh while describing something that actually frightens them.

They may say:

“He’s mad.”

when they mean:

“I’m scared of how he’ll react.”

They may say:

“She’s just jealous.”

when they mean:

“She doesn’t let me talk to anyone else.”

They may say:

“He doesn’t trust me.”

when they mean:

“He monitors everything I do.”

They may say:

“She’s obsessed with me.”

when they mean:

“She expects access to me all the time.”

This is why language can become a barrier to recognising domestic abuse in young people’s relationships.

We have to learn to hear what the young person is saying — and sometimes what they have not yet found the words to say.

Recognising the pattern rather than waiting for the label

We should not expect a young person to have the vocabulary of a domestic abuse professional.

They may not know what coercive control means.

They may not identify monitoring as abuse.

They may believe jealousy is a sign of love.

They may believe constant contact means their partner cares.

They may believe that sharing passwords demonstrates trust.

They may believe that sending intimate photographs is simply part of being in a relationship.

They may not recognise the gradual erosion of their autonomy.

That is why our assessment cannot depend entirely on whether the young person uses the word abuse.

We need to explore:

Choice.

Consent.

Freedom.

Fear.

Monitoring.

Isolation.

Pressure.

Threats.

Intimidation.

Control.

And importantly:

What happens when they say no?

Young people deserve to be taken seriously

Recognising coercive control in young people’s relationships does not mean treating every teenage disagreement as domestic abuse.

It means developing the skills to distinguish between normal relationship conflict and patterns of behaviour that undermine a young person’s autonomy, safety and wellbeing.

It means understanding the context in which young people live.

It means understanding their language.

It means understanding their digital lives.

And it means asking better questions.

Because a young person’s online relationship is not necessarily separate from their offline relationship.

The phone may be where the control happens.

The bedroom may be where the messages arrive.

The social media account may be where the monitoring takes place.

The intimate image may become the threat.

And the young person may be experiencing all of this while sitting next to us, telling us that their partner is simply “difficult,” “jealous,” “toxic” or “obsessed.”

The question we should be asking is not simply:

“What did they call the relationship?”

It is:

“What is happening within the relationship?”

Because sometimes coercive control doesn’t sound like coercive control.

Sometimes it sounds like:

“He’s just jealous.”

“She just worries about me.”

“He’s obsessed with me.”

“She’s toxic.”

“He just wants to know where I am.”

Our responsibility is to listen beyond the label.

See the behaviour. Understand the context. Recognise the pattern.

And, most importantly, make sure young people have adults around them who are able to recognise when what sounds like “relationship drama” may actually be something much more serious.

DaaT Consultancy
Domestic Abuse Assessments, Training & Consultancy